


Facing One's Fears

by TiamatZX



Series: Birds of a Feather [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, but my interpretation of the events from Keyleth's POV, recreation of the original scene, spoilers for episode 65
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-31
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-08-12 05:18:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7921990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiamatZX/pseuds/TiamatZX
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>By facing one's fears, one can truly claim what they are searching for.</p>
<p>The continuation of "The Calm Before the Storm". A recreation of Episode 65's opening moments, except with my (hopefully accurate) interpretation of the events from Keyleth's POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Facing One's Fears

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope everyone enjoys this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Then again, it helps that I've watched the scene at least 30 times. lol
> 
> Basically, it's the same scene as the start of the episode, with all of the original dialogue, but with added elements and my interpretation of what Keyleth's thoughts may have been during the scene.

This happened before. This entire scenario had happened before.

It was nighttime in Greyskull Keep, what survivors that remained from the attack on Emon resting as best they could before they would eventually be sent to Whitestone. It wouldn’t be easy due to the cruel reality that was placed upon them, with a gargantuan red dragon claiming your own home as its domain. And what’s worse, there were three other dragons out there, no doubt laying claim to so many other cities and destroying so many lives.

The mere thought of being powerless and unable to face them shook Keyleth to the core as she was preparing for bed, her circlet placed on the table and already having changed into her nightgown. She could still recall the sheer amount of terror in the eyes of the people, and even in the eyes of her companions. So many people had died, and now those who were left had a choice to either serve Thordak and live or resist and die. There were still many within the city that wanted to live to see another day, even if it was under the watchful eye of a great red wyrm. Therefore they pilfered every home they could find of riches and valuables, all for pleasing the Cinder King.

Sleep would not come easy for her, or for anyone inside the keep. It was rather tragic that less than three weeks ago, they had liberated Whitestone from the Briarwoods. The people cheered for their new heroes, something that Keyleth silently hated about herself. She never considered herself a hero due to the atrocities she had done both as an individual and as a part of Vox Machina. Many times in the past, she felt as if nothing she said truly mattered as long as the ends justified the means. It was that way of thinking that she couldn’t even begin to understand nor embrace.

And then, shortly after the Conclave attacked, they sought out the Clasp. And Percy — godsdamned **_Percival_** — wanted to strike an accord with them, asking for the aid of their vast intelligence network and for them to aid the citizens of Emon. And in exchange, they wanted entry into Vasselheim among other things. And while Percy and Scanlan were eager to make the deal, the rest of them voiced their disapproval. To Keyleth, it was not worth the cost. That, and Vasselheim itself already had trustworthy allies. And when Vax more or less stated that he wanted nothing to do with the Clasp, that was it. They became enemies.

She was so upset at Percy, especially since he was quick to pin the blame on her for the deal being refused. He had gone on and on about how she supposedly thought she was better than them. But she knew better. She knew that the deal was not worth the risk. And besides, there was no guarantee that the Clasp would truly honor their end of the bargain. After all, they could have just as easily killed them or presented them as offerings to Thordak just to save their own hides.

_You always were my total opposite, Percy. I love you still, but I swear to Sarenrae, your attempts at being clever are going to get either you killed or all of us killed. It’s only a matter of time._

Without warning, as she was about to climb into bed, she heard a knock on her door. Wondering who it was, she opened the door cautiously... and Vax was there, a look of longing in his eyes.

“Hi,” was all Keyleth could say at his unexpected appearance.

“Hi,” Vax responded, and not without a quiver to his voice. Of all of them, Vax and Vex had been the most shaken by Thordak’s existence. And she wasn’t sure why.

Keyleth briefly wondered why he would be here right now during their last night in Greyskull Keep, but then realized something just as Vax spoke again.

“I don’t want to be alone tonight. Do you?”

It was as if he was reading her mind. After all, she had said when they last had a meaningful conversation alone that she often thought of him as she fell asleep. She truly and deeply loved him, but could never bring herself to say it.

“I haven’t been wanting to be alone most nights,” was her reply as she stepped away from the door and let him in, and the two of them had slept peacefully through the night, secure in each others’ arms.

* * *

As she reminisced about that night, Keyleth knew that it was happening again, except this time she was the one who sought out Vax. Their roles were reversed.

_I really want to have that feeling again. That feeling of being safe with him even if the world is ending around us._

Vax walked towards his bed and sat at the edge. Keyleth followed suit. And as she figured, Vax had a lot to say. So she decided to let him get everything out.

As Vax stared at the ceiling, he sighed heavily and, while not looking at Keyleth, he said, “We really fucked things up, haven’t we?”

Keyleth knew that Vax was always the type who held his emotions in. She knew that they were not so different in the sense that they both tend to self-loathe their very existence. That, and when things went wrong, they both tended to take it really personal and be prone to wallowing in self-pity and regret. Therefore, she knew what kind of talk she was in for, because this would be no different from the other times. But... deep down, she had the feeling that things actually were slightly different this time.

She wasn’t sure what he meant by that, though, as they’ve all fucked up in one form or another. So she replied, “In which particular way do you mean, aside from all of them?”

Vax let out a mirthless chuckle. He then said, “I need to tell you... um... I know with all that’s happened between my new patron, and my sister pretending to gag literally every time we attempt to share a word together, and mostly my own just being fucked up in the head for weeks now that I’ve pushed all of you away. You most of all. Because I’ve... been afraid you would...”

Keyleth soon realized what Vax was getting at.

_He’s scared about us. He’s scared of what’s been happening between us lately. And sadly, I can’t say I blame him. I’ve been scared for the longest time myself..._

“I’m sorry,” he then said. “And you didn’t deserve any of that.”

A pang of guilt hit her as, again, she remembered that night when he walked away from her when she was pouring her heart out regarding her fear of losing him, leaving her alone when he couldn’t take what he was hearing. Despite all the good that had happened since then, and despite having apologized to her back in Westruun, that one moment was still eating at him from the inside. He still hadn’t truly forgiven himself for it. She wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the words to begin with, nothing at all that would be a source of comfort. So she simply kept listening.

Vax then finally turned his gaze to her, reaching out for her hand and then retracting it. Instead, he then said, “Keyleth, I need you to know. Through all of that, everything... Nothing has changed about how I...”

He trailed off, unable to finish the sentence with what he wanted to say. Keyleth could tell that he wanted to say “about how I feel about you, about how much I love you”.

_You’re wrong, Vax. Everything has changed. If only I could just tell you that right now._

“We’ve had so many near-misses, and now finding Tiberius...”

Vax faltered again, the memory still fresh in both their minds. Keyleth ended up crying again, once more envisioning that horrible sight of one of their closest friends skewered outside Vorugal’s lair. That, and the fact that they couldn’t even properly grieve for him while the Ravinites watched from afar. It was truly depressing and soul-crushing, another cruel reminder of the mortality they all had.

“Death is unavoidable,” Vax continued. “And it’s all the more reason for life to be lived. And... I don’t... it doesn’t matter to me what this... is, or what we call it. If you are willing to spend some time – any time – with me, then I will simply count myself lucky to have it.”

His words then struck another chord, and Keyleth once more recalled his words to her before parting at the Sun Tree on that fateful day:

**_“If you’ll have me, I’m yours. If you don’t want me, I’ll understand. And that’s all there is to say.”_ **

Keyleth’s eyes widened. What she was hearing from Vax at this very moment seemed as if he didn’t care what became of them anymore. He was willing to honor his promise that he made at the Sun Tree back then. It was a safe assumption that he was under the belief that her answer would be “no”. All because she was afraid at the time.

_No, this is wrong. I... I don’t want to lose you, Vax. Not ever._

_I’ve heard enough._

“You’re very dear to me—”

“You’re talking too much,” Keyleth interrupted, her voice calm and collected. Even she was surprised at her words suddenly being spoken aloud. She was never the best at speaking from the heart, not always sure what words to use. But she didn’t care. She wanted to prove Vax wrong desperately.

_I must be honest with him._

“You know, I... It’s not like I’ve made myself very accessible, either. It’s not on you,” she began to say before starting to ramble again. “I mean, it might be a little on you, but it’s kinda on both of us.”

She cleared her throat to stop herself, to avoid ruining this one chance that she had. She then regained her composure, wanting to stay strong.

Not just for Vax, but for herself.

“Anyway, my point is... for the longest time I was...  ** _terrified_**... that I was going to lose you. First to death and then to the Raven Queen – which is still kind of like death – and then ultimately to yourself. And then, I had an interesting talk with Pike here recently. And she said something that really stood out to me, and that was that some people just have more of themselves to give. And I realized this whole time that I was afraid of losing you to a future that ultimately has not yet been written, which is... stupid.”

“Maybe so,” Vax replied.

Keyleth was surprised that she was able to form such coherent sentences then. It was most likely due to the fact that it was Vax she was talking to. She felt like she could be honest about everything towards him, just like how he was always being honest. It wasn’t just at the Sun Tree that day, but also when he kissed her for the first time when he was brought back from the brink of death after their battle with Professor Anders. Recalling that moment made her blush momentarily. Vax’ildan was reckless and stupid a lot of the time, but if there was one other thing that defined him, it was his honesty, specifically towards Vex and most definitely towards her.

Keyleth then thought back to the conversation that she and Pike shared before departing for the Feywild. The cleric was definitely wiser than most would give her credit for, helping Keyleth understand that she needed to get comfortable with Vax. What also stuck out at her was Pike's assurance that just because she was a cleric of Sarenrae, it didn’t mean that Pike didn’t have control over her life. Thinking back, it was not only her encouragement, but also encouragement from her father Korren when they had briefly reunited in Pyrah. He’d told her that there is still joy to be had in life despite the sorrow that comes with it, words that were echoed by Vax just now. There was also the words he had said to Vax before he left: “Stay safe. For her sake.”

There was even encouragement from _Vex_ of all people after their battle with Umbrasyl. As they were bathing in the hot spring in Scanlan’s mansion, the ranger tried to convince her to just live life as it comes and that even she deserved happiness. Deep down, Keyleth still worried about whether Vex truly cared about the two of them potentially being together, but the sentiment was still there.

It was all those things that allowed her to think about what has happening now much more clearly.

_I’m forever in your debt, Pike. And you as well, Father. And even you, Vex. And I have to thank you as well, Tibsy. Thank you, all of you... for this one chance. I’m through running. I’m not using my fear as an excuse anymore. I am_ **not** _going to throw this chance away. Not again._

“But you’re ultimately right. We have nothing to lose,” she then said.

Keyleth’s heart was hammering double-time, much like the drums in an Ashari tribal ritual. She longed to hear those drums again, hopefully after her Aramente was finished. And that’s when she realized that thinking about home – as well as the Aramente and what it would give her overall – could wait. To hell with the fact that she will eventually outlive Vax and all of Vox Machina. To hell with fate itself. To hell with all of that. Right now, she didn’t care. All she wanted was the man within her gaze, sitting right next to her. She wanted him.

So managing the biggest smile she could come up with, blushing all the while, Keyleth grasped Vax’s hand. With that motion, she finally allowed herself to say what she had wanted to say to him from the very beginning.

“I love you, Vax. I have for a long time. And I’m sorry for being me and that it took me this long to say it.”

She looked down in embarrassment with the most ridiculous grin on her face, feeling red in the face and the burning in her ears. Despite her resolve, she still couldn’t believe that she finally admitted that to him.

_I... I said it._

_I finally said it. I finally said it! I never felt so... so happy in my life. So this... is what it’s like. It’s been so long I’ve forgotten._

She then looked up at Vax’s utterly dumbstruck face. He clearly wasn’t expecting this at all from Keyleth. He no doubt assumed that she didn’t have the courage to say those words out loud. And yet, she just did.

Silence followed, and soon Vax’s mirthless chuckles became more real, more filled with emotion. Keyleth couldn’t help but chuckle as well.

“I... I’m sorry...”

“Yeah, me too.”

She could then see the biggest smile on Vax’ildan’s face. It was a face that she wanted to see for a very long time, the face that Keyleth saw in her mind as she went to bed for many nights.

“I... I love you,” he replied. Oh, how she wanted to hear those words again from him, since the last time she did was on that one horrible night. But now, with her mind and heart clear, no longer afraid, she was willing to embrace this feeling welling within her. “That’s... that’s pretty fucking great.”

“That is pretty great, yeah!” she exclaimed, happy beyond measure. And she knew that Vax felt the same way. On reflex, she shouted, “High five!” And then she brought up her hand to high-five him, utterly giddy. Vax returned the gesture, and while the whole thing felt really goofy, there was still a charm to it.

Without warning, Vax tackled Keyleth into a hug onto his bed, and she was sure the fireplace was lit, but that didn't really matter. And from there, the two of them were lost in their own budding passion, having finally confessed how much they meant to each other. She didn’t care about the distant future. She didn’t care about what has happening around them at this very moment. She didn’t care about the fact that she would still eventually lose him. All she cared about was him being right there with her. The man she loved, who also loved her back.

_I love you, Vax’ildan. More than anything. And I’ll fight to protect that love. I promise._

Sleep soon claimed Keyleth and Vax that night, and then the next morning came not just for them, but for Vox Machina as a whole. They had a job to do, and not a lot of time to get it done.

It was time to save the world.

**Author's Note:**

> This was fun to write, and I felt like I had to do this. Not just to validate my status as a Vaxleth shipper and officially become "shipper trash" ("One of us! One of us!"), but also because I haven't noticed anyone else attempting this yet.
> 
> I do hope you liked it. Comments and kudos are always welcome for this piece, as well as "The Calm Before the Storm".


End file.
